Old People Humor

You don't have to be a certain age to appreciate "old people" humor. My sister sent this to me, made me laugh, so I thought I'd share. 

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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”

And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD".

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker comes up to the very elderly widow and asks, “how old was your husband?”

“99,” she says. “One year older than me.”

“So you’re 98?” the undertaker comments.

“Yep,” she responds. “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

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A reporter is interviewing a 104-year-old woman.

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” he asks.

“No peer pressure,” she replies.

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I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostrate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all of my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license.

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on the class was over.

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An elder woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated.

Second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

“Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. “Why?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

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My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.

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It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

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THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.

Oh, heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!