You don't have to be a certain age to appreciate "old people" humor. My sister sent this to me, made me laugh, so I thought I'd share.
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I very quietly
confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me
and asked, “Are you having it catered?”
And that, my
friend, is the definition of "OLD".
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Just before the
funeral services, the undertaker comes up to the very elderly widow and asks, “how
old was your husband?”
“99,” she says. “One
year older than me.”
“So you’re 98?”
the undertaker comments.
“Yep,” she responds.
“Hardly worth going home, is it?”
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A reporter is interviewing
a 104-year-old woman.
“And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?” he asks.
“No peer pressure,”
she replies.
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I’ve sure gotten
old!
I’ve had two
bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostrate cancer and
diabetes.
I’m half blind,
can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t
remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all of my friends.
But, thank God, I
still have my Florida driver’s license.
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I feel like my
body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a
fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take
an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I
got my leotards on the class was over.
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An elder woman
decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted
to be cremated.
Second, she wanted
her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?’ the
preacher exclaimed. “Why?”
“Then I’ll be sure
my daughters visit me twice a week.”
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My memory’s not as
sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s
not as sharp as it used to be.
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Know how to prevent
sagging?
Just eat until the
wrinkles fill out.
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It’s scary when
you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
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These days about
half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
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THE SENILITY
PRAYER
Grant me the
senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run
into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Now, I think you’re
supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh, heck, give it
to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
